The Lonely Extrovert

Huh? Yeah, that sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? Well, stay with me here for a second.

If you see me out at a party, event, local establishment (you get the gist), you are likely going to get a big Melissa “HEYYYY!!! *insert ‘overly excited to catch up on your life’ small talk*” Sigh. I’m exhausted just imagining the scenario.

Let me pause for a moment to clarify that if that person I run into is you, it’s not you that exhausts me. Chances are, I am genuinely excited to see you and to chat with you. And chances are, I am the one who is exhausting you (you know, with that outgoing, obnoxious vibe I give off). Overcompensation. It’s a thing.

Now as I was saying…

The struggle is real. Trying to make/build friendships is hard. FYI it doesn’t get any easier when you become a mom, but we will get into that a different time. I see social media posts where a giant group of women are always together, always in a group, as if they are one big, happy girl tribe family. And it often makes me stop and think “How the h*** do you people build and keep your 10 person friendship groups? How do you have time? Energy? Patience to deal with 10 other grown women 24/7?”(ha!) But really though. How do you ladies do it? If it does not completely exhaust you and fills your soul with joy, good for you. I envy you. Really, I do. It’s a dream scenario that I, quite honestly, do not believe someone like me will ever know.

Is that a bad thing? Sometimes. For minds like mine, ones that long for human connection, full of emotion, but also cursed with the satanic art of overthinking and needing total isolation at times, it’s a good old fashion game of tug-a-war.

The Facebook posts I see of these giant group of adult BFFs, doing everything together, living their best lives, both exhausts and intrigues me. Who doesn’t want to be friends with everyone? I do! I spend (way too much) time wanting to be accepted. To be liked. To be the “11th” BFF. Like, tag me in those damn posts OK. Just kidding…. but not totally.

Whats stopping people like me? Two words. Anxiety and Effort.

Anxiety. We all probably have a little of it. Lonely extroverts though, we have like, ALL of the anxiety. “Are those people talking about me?” “What if they don’t think I am good enough?” “I am definitely not as cool as these people so I better not even try.” “What did I do wrong?” “Was I too loud?” “They definitely hate my sense of humor”. Oh I could go on for days. It’s like your being worm holed back into kindergarten, meeting fellow six year old’s for the first time, thinking maybe they will like you if you share your juice. Like, really? The Anxiety within us is strong, young padawans. It’s a force to be reckoned with.

Sure, there are definitely people who are not your “cup of tea” and vice versa. So some of those thoughts above could be valid. But even though most of those are lies residing in our own minds, they are real to us and we let them fester. Gross. But true.

As if that was not enough to stop us from building our friendship empires, in comes the realities of “effort”. A loaded word of sorts. As adults, we all pretty much realize our main efforts go towards our family, raising children, our careers, maintaining our homes, you know… adult stuff. Yet, some of these magical unicorn creatures still manage to maintain these big friendship groups. As if they talk daily, to all of their “members”. Meanwhile *does not answer text from five days ago*. Seriously though, I am so bad at answering texts. I am guilty of lack of effort with my friends. I can go weeks, months even, without talking to them. If that is a qualification needed to become part of those really awesome girl groups then you got me, I failed. Rejection letter received. Better luck next time.

Back comes the anxiety. “But if I would just put more effort in, then maybe…”

The reality? After all of that thinking in circles, lonely extroverts find themselves back at square one. Back to where we actually just prefer to stay at home, alone, away from all of that stress. Until we, again, find ourselves needing human interaction. *queue overthinking friendship life cycle*.

I live this life. Sometimes daily. But, one thing I have learned (thanks to many trips on this roller coaster) is that it’s OK not to be best friends with everyone. Sure, I still seek out relationships that I feel have the potential to be deep, meaningful, long lasting. *queue awkward kindergarten friendship rituals* But, it’s OK not to be part of a group. It’s OK to preserve your energy if you need to. It’s OK to love yourself first and to separate from the world. Sometimes, friends come in different packages; best friends you can always count on (whether 1 or 100), friends you see out once a month, or friends you are not really close with but cheer on from the background.

Moral of the story, the most important friend in your life is you. Put that friend and their needs first and the rest will all start to make sense.

xoxo